How to complete the stress cycle

Emotions have a beginning, a middle, and an end, explain the authors of "Burnout." If you don't complete the stress cycle, you can get stuck in the tunnel of emotion. (We all do. It's not good.)

Imagining the Tunnel of Emotion } B. Alcala

Imagine a stressful moment.

When did you recently feel anxious, ticked off, angry, annoyed, or frustrated?

When did you feel emotions flooding your body?

Here are a few examples from my life:

Driving into New York City for a doctor’s appointment, across the busiest bridge in the world, down a frenetic highway into Manhattan, navigating around mounds of dirty snow, double-parked delivery trucks, and pedestrians gripping cups of coffee and teetering on the edge of jaywalking. Even after I was sitting in the quiet waiting room, safe and sound at 0mph, my body was still tense with alertness.

Feeling frustrated at 10 p.m., when my dear, sweet, wonderful little son was bouncing around, telling jokes, giggling, and asking us to please, please, please read another chapter of a Series of Unfortunate Events. (Yes, irony.) Honey, we need to go to sleep!

Checking the COVID trackers for the current death rates in America, feeling alarmed that 2,300 of our fellow humans in this country are still dying every single day, and wondering anxiously when this pandemic will finally end.

Anxiety, worry, frustration, stress, anger, irritation, sadness, and on and on.

All emotions live in our bodies. They are neurological and physiological reactions to stimuli. Emotions send a flood of chemicals through our bodies.

Here is what I did not know until recently:

Every one of our emotions has a beginning, middle, and an end.

When we don’t reach the end, we can get stuck in an emotion, our bodies still in the state of stress even though intellectually, we’ve moved on.

We can know we are safely sitting still, no longer speeding down a crowded freeway. We can know that the house is quiet, and we can finally sleep.

But no matter what we tell ourselves, our bodies can still be buzzing with stress.

Getting stuck in the tunnel of emotion

This daily, modern, unhealthy experience is the subject of Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle by twin sisters Emily Nagoski and Amelia Nagoski.

Getting stuck in the “tunnel of emotion,” as Emily and Amelia call it, can lead to emotional exhaustion.

One of the three components of burnout is emotional exhaustion. The other two are depersonalization (cynicism) and inefficacy (feeling futile, like nothing you do makes a difference).

Many professions that care for others have high rates of burnout, including nurses and teachers. Studies have shown 40%-50% of physicians experience burnout. Parents experience burnout, too.

Emily (a sex educator) and Amelia (a choral conductor) saw the connection between emotional exhaustion and completing the stress cycle vividly after Amelia was hospitalized twice during graduate school.

The two sisters wrote Burnout for women, but the concepts are applicable to all of us. (The first paragraph reads: “This is a book for any woman who has felt overwhelmed and exhausted by everything she had to do, and yet still worried she was not doing ‘enough.’ Which is every woman we know—including us.”) Burnout tackles topics like “The Monitor” (the part of your brain that is constantly tracking your progress, and deciding whether to keep going or not) and “The Bikini Industrial Complex” (no explanation necessary).

I found the section about the stress cycle to be the most fascinating and practical. Completing the stress cycle is also the focus of a terrific hourlong Brené Brown podcast interview with Emily and Amelia, which sums this all up.

Brené says:

“So here’s where I think we need to go into slow motion, and walk people through this. Removing the stressors does not mean the stress cycle is complete.”

Amelia replies, yes, and:

“It means two things. It means that you don’t have to wait for all the stressors to go away before you can start to feel better, but it also means that when the stressors do go away, it means you have to deal with the stress itself separately.”

The stress has to be dealt with SEPARATELY from the stressor.

Exiting the tunnel of emotion

Here is the big epiphany:

We have to DO something to finish the stress cycle.

We have to do something to inform our bodies that they are safe and can stop flooding us with chemicals.

You have to do something to finish the stress cycle.

You have to do something to get to the end of the emotion.

Amelia and Emily call this going through “the tunnel” of emotion, all the way to the end, so that your body knows it can finally stop flooding you with chemicals and relax.

If, instead, you ignore your stress and resolutely go along with your day, your body can get “stuck” in the chemical stew unleashed by the emotion.

As you can imagine, doing this again and again is not good for you.

Here’s how Emily and Amelia describe getting stuck in stress cycles over and over again:

“Let’s think about what this does to just one system, the cardiovascular: Chronically activated stress response means chronically increased blood pressure, which is like constantly turning a firehose on in your blood vessels, when those vessels were designed by evolution to handle only a gently flowing stream. The increased wear and tear on your blood vessels leads to increased risk for heart disease. That’s how chronic stress leads to life-threatening illness.

“And this happens, remember, in every organ system in your body. Digestion. Immune functioning. Hormones. We are not built to live in that state. If we get stuck there, the physiological response intended to save us can instead slowly kill us.”

How do we complete the stress cycle?

Amelia and Emily offer seven options, and they say there are many more.

The critical thing is that you have to DO something to exit the tunnel of emotion.

Completing the stress cycle isn’t an intellectual exercise. You can tell yourself over and over and over again that you are fine, that you aren’t in danger, even that the thing that was stressing you out is over, and your body won’t know it.

You have to, as they say, speak your body’s language.

Ways to complete the stress cycle

1. Physical activity

2. Breathing slowly, and exhaling long and full

3. Crying

4. Positive social connection

5. Genuine, full-out laughter

6. Affection, like 20-second real hugs

7. Creative expression, like writing, painting, dancing

Ahhh! This is the science behind why crying makes us feel better: Crying completes the stress cycle.

The source of the crying may or may not still be there, but our bodies feel better. Our internal chemicals can reset to a normal mode.

Many of the other ways on this list sound like they fit naturally into a happy, full life — laughing uproariously with friends, long hugs, running or kayaking or dancing or writing or your movement and creative expression of choice.

I read this list, though, and felt a pang of sad irony and loss. During the COVID pandemic, we’ve reduced many of these daily opportunities to complete our stress cycles. That, on top of the additional stress and tragedy of living through a pandemic.

Science-based nudge to complete our stress cycles

This is a science-based reminder that when we feel stressed, we need to do something to do finish it, to exit from that feeling.

It could be a call to a friend, or a long, full-body hug from your partners, or a good cry. It could be a run or a trip to the gym or a 30 jumping jacks. It could be a break to write or paint or dance. Emily and Amelia point out that it doesn’t matter so much exactly what it is, but that it works for you.

And building these things into our lives helps ensure we are completing the stress cycles every day.

How can we all add more of these stress-cycle completers into our daily life?

What would it take to have several of these in our everyday routines?

And when stress hits later today, you might consciously notice it, feel it, and think: Shoot. I’m in a stress cycle right now. I can feel my body reacting. Now what can I do (if not instantly, soon, or later today) to complete the stress cycle?

If you try one of the ideas from Emily and Amelia, please let me know how it goes. I hope you have a calm and lower-stress week ahead. I’ll see you back here on Wednesday!

To our journeys and better health,

Brianne