Deciding when to share your illness news
Princess Kate, Secretary Austin, you, and me — when and how do we tell others?
Hello, dear friends,
I’ve been wondering this week: How do we decide when to tell others about our illness?
Figuring it out can be tricky. It’s a whole calculcus of factors that depends on you personally, but also weighs on other people, too.
Kate Middleton, the Princess of Wales, has been out of the public spotlight for a couple of months now after having abdominal surgery in January. I read a compilation of wild rumors that included speculation she had Crohn’s Disease, a hysterectomy, or a Brazilian Butt Lift (whatever that is!). The pressure kept mounting for the royal family to share what was happening.
Yesterday, Kate released a 2-minute video with an update. She’s sitting outside on a bench with flowers behind her, and she thanks everyone several times for their kindness and her medical team for their great care.
She shared:
“In January, I underwent major abdominal surgery in London and at the time, it was thought that my condition was non-cancerous. The surgery was successful. However, tests after the operation found cancer had been present. My medical team therefore advised that I should undergo a course of preventative chemotherapy and I am now in the early stages of that treatment.”
She continued:
“This of course came as a huge shock, and William and I have been doing everything we can to process and manage this privately for the sake of our young family.
“As you can imagine, this has taken time. It has taken me time to recover from major surgery in order to start my treatment. But, most importantly, it has taken us time to explain everything to George, Charlotte and Louis in a way that is appropriate for them, and to reassure them that I am going to be ok.
“As I have said to them; I am well and getting stronger every day by focusing on the things that will help me heal; in my mind, body and spirits.
At the end, she noted the reassurance of her husband’s support and that she is thinking of all those who have had cancer, too.
And Kate said:
“We hope that you will understand that, as a family, we now need some time, space and privacy while I complete my treatment. My work has always brought me a deep sense of joy and I look forward to being back when I am able, but for now I must focus on making a full recovery.
Let’s please normalize illness and recovery
Illness is hard, and it’s harder to heal when you are caught up in a drama or stressful situation layed on top of the health issues. I really hope the video allows Kate to have private and protective time to heal.
“I must focus on making a full recovery.”
I love that she said this — she does need space and support to recover. Stress is not useful. Outside distractions are not helpful.
We are all going to get sick sometime. And we all need to be allowed time and space to heal.
As Susan Sontag famously wrote: “Everyone who is born holds dual citizenship, in the kingdom of the well and in the kingdom of the sick. Although we all prefer to use only the good passport, sooner or later each of us is obliged, at least for a spell, to identify ourselves as citizens of that other place.”
I think we often hide illness because it seems to reveal weakness — and yes, we might not be able to do what we used to do, or have the same level of energy. We will need help.
But all human bodies are vulnerable! No human will live forever. All of us rely on other humans every day in ways we rarely acknowledge. We are not robots.
I wish we could normalize illness, rest, and recovery.
When and how do you share?
I imagine Kate and her family — and a whole team of communications professionals — talked quite a bit about whether and how to share her illness. They have different public considerations than the rest of us, but the questions are the same:
How will sharing affect me?
Who will be helpful?
Who can I talk to about this?
How much help do I need? What can I manage on my own? Who must I tell?
Who could be helped by my sharing? Who could be hurt?
The ramifications often come down to emotions.
How will others react, and how will I feel about how they react?
Will they be supportive? Will they pity me?
Will they withhold things, opportunities, information? How will I feel?
How will my children or other relatives feel?
Feelings can be a mighty barrier; sometimes it’s not obvious how much our avoidance of hard emotions keeps us from doing what could be helpful and even necessary.
Telling an employer or co-workers includes more issues. Sick days are usually numbered, and employers typically have limits. Sick for a few days? We’re so sorry, please get better! Sick for 6 months? You are probably out of a job, just when you need health insurance and a paycheck the most. It’s a terrible modern situation, especially in America.
I’ve heard stories of people who haven’t shared their illness with their family or friends. I have also heard stories of people who have hid their illness from their employers. U.S. Secretary of Defense Lloyd J. Austin III was in the news earlier this year for how much he disclosed, or didn’t disclose, about his illness to his boss, the President of the United States.
Secretary Austin was diganosed with prostate cancer and got unlucky, as he put it, with unusual complications after the surgery. Like Kate, he’s in a different public position than most of us, which he acknowledged in a press conference when he returned to work:
“… I want to be crystal clear. We did not handle this right, and I did not handle this right. I should have told the President about my cancer diagnosis. I should have also told my team and the American public. And I take full responsibility. I apologize to my teammates and to the American people.
“Now, I want you all to know that — to know why this happened.
“I was being treated for prostate cancer. The news shook me, and I know that it shakes so many others, especially in the Black community. It was a gut punch, and frankly, my first instinct was to keep it private. I don't think it's news that I'm a pretty private guy. I've never liked burdening others with my problems. It's just not my way.
“But I've learned from this experience. Taking this kind of job means losing some of the privacy that most of us expect.”
It’s a truly challenging equation, and hard to get right.
The benefits of sharing
Both Kate and Secretary Austin, in their remarks, touched on how illness affects other people, too. Sickness is such a personal and private experience, and yet it’s also shared by millions of others.
Secretary Austin said:
“And finally, I also missed an opportunity to send a message on an important public health issue, and I'd like to fix that right now.
“I was diagnosed with a highly treatable form of cancer, and a pretty common one. One in eight American men will get prostate cancer, and one in six Black men will get it.
“And so I'm here with a clear message to other men, especially older men: Get screened. Get your regular checkups. Prostate cancer has a glass jar. If your doctor can spot it, they can treat it and beat it. And the side effects that I experienced are highly, highly unusual.
“So you can count on me to set a better example on this issue today, and for the rest of my life.”
This is the upside of hearing other people’s stories — the way it can make a difference if we share more, rather than less.
Living illness out in the public
There are people who have lived their illness in public in gracious, generous, and inspiring ways. We only see a sliver of the messy and hard journey of what is really happening, but it feels like we are alongside them.
I think first of Suleika Jaouad, who was so generous is writing about her leukemia in her 20s, in a New York Times column, and later in a wonderful book, and has been open about sharing her relapse and course of treatment.
When I have been seriously sick, I’ve been cautious about who to tell. I was raised to value privacy. When I was diagnosed with cancer, I was in my 20s, working as a newspaper editor. I told my editor, my family, my friends, but otherwise, I was pretty private.
In retrospect — this idea has only occurred to me recently! — I could have written for the newspaper and chronicled my own illness. Yet that idea never crossed my mind. (I’m also glad it didn’t occur to me; it would have added a unhelpful, likely stressful dimension. I was lucky to have been able to truly rest and recover, with minimal stress.)
Even now, nearly two decades after my cancer diagnosis, and three decades after a chronic illness diagnosis, I wrestle with how much to share here, in this tiny corner of the internet, with you, kind and wonderful readers. I realize, sadly, that information can be used against people, and once you share something on the internet, you can’t get it back.
On the other hand, hearing people’s stories is a true gift.
I appreciate Kate telling us. I appreciate Secretary Austin letting us into his experience. I appreciate Suleika sharing with us.
All of these stories are still limited in scope, and there are things we will never know; there is always a private realm.
I am truly grateful when I read a book like Lucy Grealy’s Autobiography of a Face about living with Ewing's sarcoma or Ross Douthat’s The Deep Places about his struggle with Lyme disease.
Each of them are brave and generous, and we are all better for their stories. I hope they are better off, too.
We learn so much, and we feel less alone.
To our journeys,
Brianne