A challenge vs. a struggle
Plus, announcing the first book of the Odyssey of the Body Book Club!
Hello, dear friends,
To start, an announcement: We have our first book of the Odyssey of the Body Book Club! You voted, and the pick is …
Small Rain by Garth Greenwell!
I’m delighted to reread this novel, and I hope many of you will join me this summer. Here’s how editor
describes it, in a terrific Q&A with in The Yale Review:“The novel is narrated by a mid-career poet who undergoes a serious medical crisis and ends up in the hospital for around two weeks. The novel’s story is largely contained to that period of time, and within the slurry of hours it portrays, Small Rain meditates on mortality and the politics of COVID; the recompense of art, especially poetry; and the ultimate redemption that domesticity, despite its dailiness, brings. Few writers at work today can think the body onto the page with as much complexity and reality as Greenwell does in this book.”
In the coming weeks, I’ll post reflections about sections 1 and 2 of the book (the first 100 pages; there are 5 sections in all), and offer a few prompts to conisder.
I’ll also check in with paid subcribers to find the best time for a book club meeting on Zoom in August, too. Looking forward to reading Small Rain with you!
Struggle and Connection
Our house is overflowing with books, so I’ve been sorting through them lately, on a tear to donate and give to friends.
This week I picked up The Perfectionists Guide to Losing Control, a nonfiction book by psychotherapist Katherine Morgan Schafler that got a lot of buzz when it came out two years ago.
I sat down to flip through it again. (What had I marked with sticky flags?)
And goodness, there’s so much!
If you identify with wanting to do more all the time, you’ll see yourself in these pages. If you don’t, there are still fascinating parts that apply to all humans.
Here’s one section I wanted to share with you, titled:
“The difference between a struggle and a challenge is connection.” (p. 207)
Katherine writes:
“The difference between what we struggle with and what we’re challenged by lies not in the task itself, but in the amount of support we connect to as we engage in the task. When we’re dealing with something that we don’t know how to do but we feel we have guidance and that someone understands us, it’s a challenge. When we’re dealing with something we don’t know how to do and feel we have no guidance and that no one understands us, it’s a struggle.”
The difference is connection.
Katherine is not writing about health in particular, but I think this reminder can be incredibly useful.
Connection can help make the difficult parts of illness easier.
Connection can help the path ahead feel more doable.
Connection can help dial down the moments of despair.
Dealing with health issues, admittedly, not the same as, say, attempting to run a marathon or ace a test. Health is not a singular goal. Many factors are often completely out of our control.
But when I think back to times when I was sick — but not struggling — those times were full of connection.
When I was diganosed with cancer, 20 years ago, I was lucky to have an excellent and supportive doctor who helped craft a clear path for me.
He recommended getting a second opinion and lined me up with an appointment at a world-class hospital in New York City. He connected me with local experts for my radiation treatment. I felt in good hands. The treatment itself was a challenge for many reasons — I lost my voice, and it was difficult to eat — but it was much easier than it could have been. I was also in my 20s and single, with friends in the neighborhood who had plenty of time to visit. I was as connected as I’ve ever been.
Today, our healthcare system is more complex and more burdened. More hospitals, especially in rural America, have closed. We as a society are more disconnected. There are new obstacles all over. Katherine writes:
“Struggles are exhausting because we’re isolated. Isolation drains energy.”
Illness can be exhausting. The last thing that’s helpful is an additional drain on energy.
“Challenges are energizing because, even though we’re doing something difficult, we’re connected. Connection builds energy.”
How can we use these insights — in times of wellness and sickness?
We can remember that when friends and family are sick, connection is something valuable we can always give.
When we are unwell ourselves, it can be hard to get up the motivation to reach out. But perhaps this reminder will help you to call, text, email.
We are often so far apart, in physical and temporal space. Those who love you dearly might not even know you aren’t doing well this week. Let them know. Activate your connection. Let that power glow like a light saber.
Connection is its own force multipler.
Connection is its own way of creating safety.
Connection generates energy.
One last flagged quote: Katherine dislikes the expression “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” She writes: “That’s not true.” There are so many ways what doesn’t kill us can hurt and traumatize.
She argues: “A more accurate expression would be ‘What doesn’t kill you forces you into a position where you have to choose between connection or isolation, and choosing connection makes you stronger.’ ”
So much to think about, my friends. How can you activate connection? ❤️
To our journeys,
Brianne
Wow, thank you for that distinction between struggle and challenge, Brianne. When I broke my humerus I felt very connected, not only with people but with a path to recovery. It was a very different experience to being ill with chronic migraine or ME/CFS, where the pathway out is unclear and that makes everyone uncertain and uncomfortable.